“What is wrong with me?” This question hit me hard as I sat in the dim light of the too-early morning hours, my Bible open in my lap. I gently chided myself, “Really? After all these years, how can I still doubt God’s goodness and help. Why is it still a battle to trust in bleak situations when I can’t see how it will work out?”
Jesus’ words came to mind. “Oh, you of little faith”. I wondered to myself, how can my faith, after all these years, still be so small, so struggling and shaky? Why is it such a battle to trust that God is good and that He loves me and will work out this mess that overwhelms me and keeps me up in the middle of the night?
I guess the real answer to my heart’s examination is that really, I have a lot wrong with me. I am weak. I am easily tempted to worry and fret. I am human. I am selfish and sinful. I am forgetful and too easily swayed by the moment’s emotions. This kind of living that God has called me to goes against every ounce in my being.
The other day a newer missionary colleague shared how they wanted to help others in their faith, but found that really it was their faith was what needed to grow. I guess that is all of us.
I have been reading and thinking about Isaiah 43 recently.
“You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am He. Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. You are precious and honored in my sight because I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”
God, in his love and mercy, has called me to this windy path and He has called me to stepping forward in faith. Even when I can only stumble forward, crying in the darkness, “You love me. I will trust you in this. You will help me get through this.” It is in those dark times and through those little steps of choosing to believe that God that He is growing my faith to be more strong, sure and steadfast.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
