Same tune...just a little different melody

I guess it is the same now as when I first started out. The call seemed too big. And me, too little to follow.  If you hear me share how God led me to Japan as a missionary, you’ll hear that I didn’t want to come. Food, culture, language: aspects exist most cross-cultural workers, left me feeling ominous and ready to run in the other direction. 

Going to Japan seemed just too hard. But then I finally realized God wasn’t calling me because of what I liked or could do, He just wanted me to be willing to walk where He was leading me. He wanted my submission and obedience, not my flare of foreign languages and exquisite sushi taste buds. “Not my will, but Yours, Lord.”  It was the cry of my heart and my final surrendering prayer, after months of wrestling with my stubbornness.  Just as I am I humbly hummed. 

 

Still, years later. Years and years and years, later.  I am in the very same spot. These circulatory lessons continue. I stop and look at what I am called too and it seems too much. I am not adequate. I am not enough. I tire too easily, get people-out, get overwhelmed. I am not smart enough or capable enough. I am not young enough. 

 

As I wrestle again before the Lord, I am gently reminded that the loving, capable Potter knows what a messy, useless lump of clay I am. He knows that I am a broken vessel. And at times, even in bits and pieces.  And yet He still gently and graciously calls me. 

The paradox is that this is probably where He wants me to be. Bowed down and in understanding of my lack.  Needy, but willing. Just where I should be. Just how it is supposed to be. For in my weakness, He is strong.  And because of my emptiness, He can fill me up.  And use me. For then all the glory goes to Him. And Him alone. 

 

The tune of an old hymn comes to mind. “Just as I am....I come". Years ago, on bended knee, I sang these words. Just as I am, I will go. Wherever you lead, I will follow. And now, many weary years later, the song is a little more faint, but still just as sweet. It’s a prayer of a weak, but willing heart to serve, however and wherever He asks. Just as I am, I will stay.